I was walking back home from the pharmacy this morning when a young man, going about his day, grabbing his lunch and having a drink walked out just ahead of me. He was walking back towards his car and the way he wiped his mouth after drinking from his bottle of soft drink reminded me of Adam. He looked like Adam a little too.
That was it. Enough to open up the emotional turmoil for the day. It’s always a surprise, so why should today be any different?
He wore his cap backwards just like Adam. He swaggered like Adam. He even looked like Adam in a way. It was probably the overall look that got me. He just reminded me of Adam. And then I missed Adam ever so strongly. More than I normally would on a walk back from the pharmacy. It was surreal in a way.
As I continued walking, I thought to myself that I could almost reach out and touch him, he was so close by. I wanted to turn around and look more, but didn’t for fear of appearing ‘weird’. What would he think, after all? Some odd looking middle aged woman, turning around to look at him. It’s not as though he was privy to my thoughts, he didn’t know that he reminded me of my dead son. So I didn’t turn around. I continued walking home, thinking along the way about Adam and the way he walked, the way he wiped his mouth after a drink, especially on a hot day like it was today.
I thought about how pleasant this young man appeared too. He looked like a nice young man. Just like Adam was a nice young man. Who now isn’t in this world anymore.
Their caps. I must find Adam’s cap, I thought to myself. By this time, I had arrived home and I walked inside the house to the girls. I didn’t tell them that I saw someone who reminded me of Adam. Why upset them?
I found his cap. It’s looking like it needs a wash. It’s the cap that Jude started wearing straight after Adam died. That cap. The cap Adam always wore.
It’s seemingly random when we are drawn to an item to hold on to. But only seemingly random. That cap was Adam. He went everywhere wearing that cap. Backwards. To the side. But never the right way round!
We love that cap, Jude and I. We both get the meaning. It could be that it’s only Jude and me who think this way about the cap. Not that everyone else wouldn’t understand. We just haven’t told them. It’s special to Jude and that’s enough. It will be kept forever, this cap. If only Adam knew how much we loved him. I hope he did know how much he was loved. Did we tell him often enough? Did we tell him with intent?
Intent being the key word. We need to tell our loved ones special things with the intent with which they are truly meant. Only then, will we be satisfied that they knew how much we loved them if they are taken from us.