I have been reading some other mothers’ blogs which are dedicated to their own grief journey after the loss of one of their children.
It is harrowing, reading about the pain of other mothers. It does not in any way give me comfort knowing that I am not alone on this grief journey.
What is clear is that each woman’s journey is different. Each woman’s pain, unique. Each woman’s loss, unbearable. No less and no more, than mine.
What I did feel after reading some of the posts, was some guilt. Guilt, that I may be coping better than some. There are some days where I don’t cry and some other mothers were saying that even after 2 years or more, they still cry every day. Why don’t I?
I distract myself, I know that much. I have to, otherwise, it is too much to bear. I distract myself in order to cope with the pain.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Adam. But tears don’t come every day now. Maybe they should. Am I not grieving properly? Am I recovering too soon?
How ridiculous to compare my grief to someone else’s grief. We are all different. Our pains are different. We come from different places, perhaps different cultures. Who knows? What I do know is that I do what keeps me sane. That’s all I can do and it’s working for me. I have four other children who rely on me to show some semblance of keeping it together. Perhaps I am keeping it together for them. Perhaps they would not be able to move forward, or cope at all, if I don’t cope.
My pain is raw. My pain is real. My pain is valid. Even if I don’t cry every day.
Adam wouldn’t have wanted me to cry every day, I know that. He would have wanted me to smile again. He would have wanted me to be strong for his brothers and sisters.
He loved us all so much.
He would have wanted us to smile again.
Yes, it’s unbearable pain.
But I am hiding it.
Hiding it for Adam and hiding it for his brothers and sisters.
I smile for Adam. His life was worth a smile.