Feeling flat today


Today I feel so, so flat.  Painfully flat.  Sad.  Depressed.  Sad.  Numb.  I just feel bad.  You are not here and I am so sad.  I don’t think that there is anything to make me feel better except for seeing you.  I saw your face on my new blog which is dedicated to you.  It was a shock.  I want so desperately to see you.  I miss you.  I keep picturing you in my mind and thank god your face is not fading from my memory over time.

There are people who want me to call them but I really don’t feel like seeing or speaking to anyone.  I know I shouldn’t isolate myself but its just how I feel right now.  There’s nothing that can help.

I’m not crying.  I’m scared of the flood gate that might not stop.  Burying me.  It might bury me.  How long will I feel like this?  The million dollar question.  Meantime I will keep writing.  It’s the only thing that I do at the moment that makes any sense.  Even my computer skills have gone.  If I ever had any.  Chris must wonder how I got through so many years of studying.  But all I can do is write.  And even that skill I’m doubting right now.  I’m so heartbroken over you.  What will I do?  There are no answers.  Just taking each day as it comes.  Suffering through each long winding day which actually feels as though it’s speeding by without me having any control whatsoever.

So sad.  So depressed.  So flat.

Nothing helps.

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