It’s not getting any easier, in fact in some ways, it’s actually getting harder. I thought Christmas and New Years was the most difficult and as Adam and Sara’s birthday looms closer, I realise that Christmas and New Years was baby stuff in the face of the pain that is going to wash over us all tomorrow. It’s hard to describe, but I’ll try to put it into words.
I spoke to my counsellor yesterday, everyone says how ‘well’ I’m doing – I don’t understand what that even means. I’m not doing well at all, I’ve just been hiding behind tasks. I’ve been distracting myself well – really well. I’m setting up these 2 blogs, I’m writing a novel and I’m journaling. All clever little ploys by my mind to distract myself from the reality that is “Adam’s death”. I can’t even write that word without a surge of disbelief. Will it ever get easier? I doubt it. It’s not looking good. Wendy, she says it hasn’t gotten any easier for her and its been 3 years for her. What do I expect when only 5 months in this time warp has occurred. 5 months. So little, so much. So long, not so long. All over the place, that’s what I am. All over the place. I think of Adam and it feels like I’m in another universe. Where is he? He was just here yesterday. Reminds me of the Beatles’ song ‘Yesterday’ – think of the words. All my troubles seemed so far away.
And they did.
And they were.
I remember your face mostly. Your voice is clear to me as well. Your walk. Your way of making coffee and the way you put the spoon on the bench. Without a plate! The way you went up to the shops and always, always brought me back a treat – usually a big family block of Kit Kat. You knew I loved those. Nobody else knows. Nobody else brings me treats, except for Jude – Jude brings me treats sometimes.
Adam is going to be an uncle. He would have been chuffed. Adam was special and he loved me so much and we had a very special, out of the ordinary mother son relationship. He was a mummy’s boy and proud of it. He was a loving son. I can’t get my head around the fact that he is not here anymore. How can it be true? But then I remember the awful day that we found out. The days leading up to the funeral. The days after the funeral. The pained look on my brothers face. The stiffening shock on everybody else. My drinking just to survive. How else could I possibly have survived those early days? My sister, how I love her. She’s on my side when I feel that others aren’t.
God, tomorrow is going to be awful. Poor Sara’s birthday tainted forever. It’s so heart wrenching, witnessing the pain she is going through. She looks so vulnerable when she cries. So very sad.
What will we do? What we have done since he died….We will pull together and hold each other up straight and strong and make Adam proud of his family.
I know that he is looking down on us from up above somewhere. Somewhere out there is a soul called Adam. Adam Daniel. And we love you. I love you. You are loved. Love is the only everlasting emotion.