The headstone

I don’t know whether it’s the weather or not, but everything is quite literally up the creek for me the last few days, both physically and emotionally.  I’ve had some great ideas, some creative ideas for the business, but I think I know what has broken the week for me so that nothing could fall into place.   The first incredibly odd, no, that’s not the word…I may as well use the proper word, paranormal occurrence was that my father came to visit me.  He is dead 19 years and he came and sat with me in my lounge room.  I got up from kitchen chair, calling ‘dad, dad, where are you?  I can feel you, but I can’t see you’.  I tried so hard to pick up on a message, a sign, something, but I couldn’t.  I told him that I missed him, that I loved him and  I asked him if he was looking after my son, Adam.  The 15 month anniversary of my son’s passing just went and I thought there was something out of kilter with him.  So I asked him.  I could not pick up a sign.  I cried and I cried and I cried.  I feel that my dad came to show me something and that I missed it.  It was nice to feel dad’s presence, but frustrating to not understand.  Maybe he was warning me that a few bad things were going to happen, perhaps he was warning me about the days ahead.  Let me explain…

You see, Adam is buried at Springvale on a little grassy knoll with beautiful trees, birds and flowers all around, just opposite the grassland where the plaques of my parents are.  His headstone was supposed to have been done  by now.  The cemeteries require you to fix the headstone within 12 months.  Grief time and time of pain has flown by and here we stand, 15 months later just now beginning the task of composing words for my son’s headstone.  We, as a family, just have not been prepared for this task.   How on earth do we do this?  This is not the way it’s supposed to be…I should not be composing words for my son’s gravesite.  I can’t do it alone I have realised.  So, since I have been out to his gravesite a number of out of place things have happened.  First of all, my anxiety is through the roof!  I feel down and depressed.  I am restless and a bit moody.  It’s hard to concentrate.  I am crying more intensely than usual.  At the drop of a hat, I can cry.  Hell, at the drop of myself I cry! You know how many times I have fallen over in the last 3 days?  Two big falls straight onto my arthritic knees, specifically the knee caps! And ouch, it hurts….there, instantly more crying.  That has scared me so much that I don’t want to take a shower! Or at least have a wheelie frame in the shower with me!  Then, I had an out of the blue visit from my ex.  He could see I was struggling and he said he would come to see me.  We had a good talk.  Not much was resolved but at least we didn’t gouge each other’s proverbial eyes out!

My son, the 12 year old, is so freaked out.  I’m sure he thinks I’m his grandmother posing as his mother.  So, to review (as Ross would say) – Anxiety- through the roof, crying more intensely, two falls onto my knees and now believe I need a wheelie frame.  Plus a visit from both my dad and my ex.  Maybe that’s what my dad wanted to warn me about.

As if that’s not enough, I have to compose words for my son’s headstone.  I know what I want to say, it’s the actual writing of the words that’s tearing me up inside.  Oh, you know what, there is more!  My ex-husband wants to take my son to Sydney so that he can be with ‘the woman that he loves’ – need a bucket?  I did too, don’t worry.

No wonder I have a stomach ache half the day, no wonder I can’t sleep properly and no wonder I’m falling over, I’m in post-traumatic shock, as well as ‘now’ shock!  My Adam would not be happy seeing me like this!  He has always only wanted the best for me.  He hated to see me cry and he adored his little brother, which are 2 things my ex is contributing to being out of whack.

I think if I really meditate on it, I will know what to do.  Distraction is the problem.  My brain being restless is the problem.  Do you have any suggestions?  Anything will do! Even just a word of encouragement.  I will give it a few days and see how I go.  I’ll keep you updated.

I have to realise that this is really the last thing on this earth that I can do for my beloved, adored and awfully missed, son.  I must be strong and put all of my best writing work into this task.  He does deserve it after all.

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Catch me on Insta @crystalsandpeace for more updates; Twitter @shainaisaacs Facebook @withlovetomyson

And you know I’m opening an online business soon, right?  I’m sure I’ve told you and we are changing the business name.  It won’t be ‘With Love To My Son’.  It will be something much catchier and I will keep you updated as we go

Until next time xx

Jo

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