the First Anniversary of your death

Apart from the day we found out you had died, this was the most painful day of my life.  I could not stop thinking about you, even though I know that you would want me to remember you with a smile.  I’m sorry, my baby, but please understand, I’m your mother, I miss you and not having you with me makes me cry.

I could not comprehend how it is possible that a year has passed.  I count down every month.  I count down every day without you.  So many feelings go through me and it hurts, it simply hurts so much to not have you in this world with me.  I would do everything differently if I were given the gift of bringing you back to life.  I would hug you more.  I would tell you that I love you every single day.  I would bring you a coffee in the morning.  I would laugh with you.  I would drive you anywhere you wanted.  But to no avail do I write these things because magic will not happen, will it?

Lately, I have been calling Jude, Adam.  I am not sure how he feels about it.  He smiles usually.  Have you visited him in a dream lately?  I heard that you visited Natalie in a dream recently.  Apparently you were adamant that she be happy and not mourn you heavily.  You threatened to leave her dream if she was not happy.  That seems to me that you want us to continue on with our lives in happiness.  Why have you not visited me?  Are you upset with me?  For not answering the phone on Wednesday morning, the 23rd August, 2017?  Did I not pay you enough attention?  I fear that I did not.  I knew that you were not in the best of places but I thought that you would come through it…for Jude, if for no-one else.  Jude used to keep you happy.  Please visit me in a dream, I care about you so much, I care that you are at peace up there, that you are with your two friends up there, that you have seen your grandparents up there.  I love you so much…did you know this?  Did I convey it enough?  Perhaps I did not, but be assured that I did indeed.  You were my friend, my son, my protector, my baby forever.  How I miss you…it’s not fair.

Your brothers and sisters adore you and miss you terribly.  We can’t help but be sad.  Please forgive us.  Come to us in dreams and explain what you want us to do.  I will do anything for you to make you happy.

Please bless us in our new endeavour…we need you on our side.

My darling boy, life is just so hard now and so many of my friends just don’t understand, and it makes me angry.  Should they not have more empathy?  What do they expect of me?  I clearly expect too much of them, too much that they can’t give, they don’t have it within them to give.  You were and are such a brave young man, that I know that you wish for me happiness and strength.  I know that you want me to continue on with my life but I need you to do this, I need you to help me with this, I can’t do this alone, not without you.

Please help me…I love you my son.  Please forgive me, my son. If only things were different…in a different world, in a different universe, in a different place and time…you are loved and needed more than you can possibly understand and know…God give me strength.

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