Family and trying to live life after death

None of us can believe that we are almost at the 9 month mark of your passing. This is just surreal. I thought of you throughout Jude’s basketball game today – you would have been so proud! He plays so well, just like you, really sporty, nothing is too hard for him, just a natural at sport as you were. Can’t even remember how many shots he made! He was on fire. You would have loved it, maybe you were there, watching over your little brother. Knowing you and how much you loved him, I bet you were there, just hiding from me. That’s ok, you can have your secrets with Jude.
I know you have been looking after me because the nasty neighbour was evicted, so thanks for that. You always did protect your mum and even from above you are protecting me. I feel safe knowing that you are watching over me from above, watching over all of us no doubt, your love for your family knowing no bounds.
If there is one thing I ask from life, it’s that it shows me no more surprises. I have had enough. I need to know exactly where things are, where they are going and who is going where and with whom they are going. I could not possibly take anything else going astray. You must take care of this for me. Make sure everything runs smoothly. I’ll do my part as well, don’t worry, just as long as I am taken way before anyone else in the family.
People may laugh at this, may scoff, but they don’t know how much it hurts to lose a child. So no judgement required. I know what I am talking about. I have been to hell and I returned. Returned in one piece thanks to my Adam and I returned for my other children.
Soon we will have another addition to the family, an exciting new baby is coming. A beautiful baby who will bring joy to us all in return for all of our suffering.
Am I healing? I am not sure. It is difficult to put a word to it really. Perhaps I am learning to live without you. That sounds just awful. I don’t want to learn to live without you. I want to live with you.
But that joy has been ripped from me, torn away, cruelly and unspeakably.
I am a broken woman, trying to live.

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