Are you close by?…

Are you close by?

Is that why I am so emotional today?  I am missing you so so deeply this morning, ever since I woke up, ten minutes after I woke up I thought of you and started to weep.

I thought about the time you asked me to have a coffee with you.  My memory is quite poor, but I have a feeling it was in the same week that you passed, it was outside the doctor’s office, do you remember?  I said that I didn’t have time.  You can’t imagine the guilt I feel about that…what if that had changed the course of our lives?  That might mean that you were still here in this world, with us.  How I want you back!

It’s unfair.  It’s torture.  It’s not to be believed.  It’s wrong.  What did I do wrong in life that God saw this to be a fitting punishment?  Or was it a past life?  Is there a such thing?

After losing you like this, I believe now that anything is possibly real.  I never would have believed that I would lose a child, yet I did, so perhaps there are past lives, other worlds.  I know for sure that there is the other world that you are in.

I wondered why I am so fragile today and then thought that it’s possible that you are close by.  You have come to visit me.  So shouldn’t I be happy?  I can’t see you though.  When I close my eyes though, and cover them to make it even darker, to make it black, I feel more enclosed in that space and I hear your voice saying ‘Mum’.  That is all you say.  ‘Mum’…I can feel the timbre of your voice, I note the deep quality of your sound, your unique sound that makes it your voice.  I wonder what it means?  That you are only saying ‘Mum’.  I see your face sort of in front of me, you are calling to me, your arms are outstretched yet slightly bent at the elbows.  You still have a beard.

I guess it will be made known to me what your visit means.  It isn’t quite clear to me yet.  It will be revealed though, it will be revealed.  I do believe that.

Adam, I love you and miss you so deeply that I can’t think of words to express this amount of love.  The love of a mother for her child is something intangible, something only another mother can understand, something you can’t understand until you have had a child and something so deep that it is unfathomable.  As unfathomable as the depths of oceans, as of the vastness of the infinite universe, like the expanse of heavens and the infinite spiritual world, only these things can begin to explain the depths of our grief and the feeling of emptiness and sorrow in our broken, heavy hearts.

Were you close by?


I believe you were.

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