Almost one year

It is killing me inside that soon we are marking the one year anniversary of my son’s death.  Just writing those words were difficult.  Time is an odd thing, sometimes it feels like I saw him only last week but my subconscious knows that almost one year has passed and when I think of this, it then feels, my god, as though I have not seen him forever!!  One year since I have seen my son, my darling son.

The birth of little Addalin has eased me somewhat, I am very busy and distracted helping my daughter become a new mum and helping her out.  It has slowed down the painful thoughts.  This may good, you might be thinking, and indeed I thought it would be good too.  But, because he is in the back of my mind at the moment, when I do think about him, it is like a rush of intense grief hitting me in the heart, hurting my head, turning my stomach and causing so much pain to my soul.  So, not thinking about him so much does not ease the grieving process, it is still going on strongly beneath the surface.

To say I ‘miss’ my son is such a gross understatement but I don’t know any other word for it.  If you have any suggestions, I would be keen to hear them or hear from you.  I miss him so, I ache for him, my soul is tortured by not being able to see him.  We think that little Addalin sees him.  She looks around and focuses on something to the side, where there is nothing to see, no furniture or pictures, nothing.  We think Adam is with us, seeing his new little niece, he has come down to visit her and she sees him.  It makes sense to us, she only just came into this world from another place, or another spiritual plane…she is in tune with the spirits.  Thinking this keeps me going.

What else do you do?  How else do you cope?  How have I survived my son’s going away forever?  On the 23rd of August we remember him on the anniversary of his passing and on the 12th September we remember him being buried.

I had to stand at the grave site of my son.  It doesn’t seem possible that I have survived this.  It is only through the support of my family that I have survived this.  Love conquers all, seems like.  Love conquers all.  With love you can pass through the most painful events in life.  Love.  Love.

We love you my boy, my darling young man, just 28, forever 28.  Why? Why?

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