10 month anniversary writing to my son


It is passing, as I write, the 10 month anniversary of you leaving this world as we know it.  It does not seem possible.  Time is a strange phenomenon, it feels as though it’s flying and at the same time, it feels like it’s standing still.  It just doesn’t seem possible that so much time has passed, yet, missing you seems to have gone on forever.

It pains me to look into your eyes in a photo.  It pains me to read the words of Tupac, I just can’t do it yet.  Mainly because his words meant so much to you.  And of course, you would rap ‘Dear Mama’ to me.  I can’t listen to it yet.  Will I ever?  Do I want to?  Absolutely.  Can I?  I don’t think so, not yet.  It is still so raw.

Some days I think I am doing really well.  I get up and go about my business, talking to you while I’m driving, looking for a job, doing all the things that any regular person would be doing.  But of course, I am not a regular person anymore, I am a grieving mother.  And forever I will be.

We will fix your headstone soon, my darling boy, have no fear, we will fix it.  We will make a fitting monument to you.

It doesn’t seem correct that you are gone.  Just can’t get used to it.  I talk to you all the time.  I don’t care if people think I’m nuts, talking to myself.  It brings me comfort, talking to you.  Remembering you.  Are you looking down on us and looking after your brothers and sisters?  You have the special task of looking after Natalie as she gives birth later in July.  I know that you will bless her and look down on her and her baby.

Surface comments and musings.  That is all I can manage.  Skimming the surface.  Dare I go deeper?  Not really.  For fear that I will not re-emerge from the abyss.  I hold back the tears most times, for if I open up the floodgates will overrun me.  I am so sure that you understand.  You were always a ‘live and let live’ type of person.  If that’s how I am getting through this ordeal without you, then that is how I do it, you would say.

I don’t see any other way around it.  I will talk with you later on my boy. Later on.

I love you to the moon and back.

Mum xx

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