The last few days have been really difficult. Overwhelming waves of pain, washing over me, hitting me right in the mid-section, perhaps my heart. Tears begin to well and I become afraid of them. Afraid of their power. Afraid that it won’t stop, that it will consume me entirely. So afraid of how I feel. So afraid of realising again and again that he is gone. The sheer depth of grief scares me, it’s a feeling which is hard to describe but it’s scary. I am afraid that if I let myself feel to the depths of my emotions, that I will never surface for air, that I will drown, or suffocate. That the tears won’t stop.
It hurts so much, it is unbearable. At the same time, I want to think of him.
This all started with 2 dreams that I had of Adam. One was where he was protecting me from something, like he did in life and I woke up feeling spooked. Unnerved, scared, unsettled. I cried. I couldn’t get back to sleep for a long time. The second dream is for now not able to be remembered, just the feeling that it left me with and it was an unnerved feeling again. I want to be able to remember him with joy. I love him.
Just at the moment my grief is showing its ugly side. Its painful and scary side. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Adam. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. Miss having him on my side. I feel alone, I guess. Alone and scared, unprotected.
I don’t know where to from here. Grief counselling doesn’t help much at the moment. I don’t feel like seeing or speaking to anyone. Nobody understands anyway. Even those who might have been through it, every grief experience is its own entity, unique and individual. So its my grief feelings. Mine to be borne. Mine to suffer. I suffer largely in silence. I don’t want to scare the kids, his brothers and sisters.
He is going to be an uncle soon. It makes me sad that the baby won’t even know him. An expanse of time until I die where his absence yawns in front of me like a deep chasm.
I don’t know anymore…