The grief flows again

Oh, today and the last two days hurt.  I have managed to distract myself quite well recently.  Writing for my new blog which is about education, I have kept myself busy and have quietened my mind for a couple of weeks now.

That period has ended.  Abruptly.  The tears are flowing again and the pain has intensified.  The aching to see my son, the longing to hear his voice.  Pictures of him in my mind and missing him oh, so deeply.

People around me seem insensitive but they don’t know and I can’t expect them to be mind readers.  My ex-husband came over today to yell at me.  It doesn’t matter what it was about but the yelling hurt.  I just wasn’t up for it.  I slammed the door after him when he left.  I have no control over my emotions at the moment.  But it does make me more sensitive to others.  You don’t ever know what another person is really dealing with so it makes sense to me now, to always treat them with kindness.

My son, Adam, was kind and generous.  He would have hated seeing me in so much pain.   He would have hugged me by now and tried to cheer me up.  Just thinking about that makes me cry.  Now I am typing through tears.  But it seems apt to be typing through tears.  Tears spilled for my son.  My son, who I will never be graced to see again.  It is so unfair.  Why did it have to happen this way.

I am so sad.  I don’t want to wipe away the tears, they are a part of me and my day.  A part of my life.  Tears will always be with me now.

I miss you Adam.  What I would give to be able to hold you and hug you.  To hear your voice.  To laugh with you.  I remember your laughter.  It was infectious.  So sweet.

We had our moments though, didn’t we?  We argued.  We fought.  But we always knew how much we loved each other.  I just wish you were here for me to tell you again and again how much I love you.

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